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Oh, Happy Day! - 05 November 2008
Nightgowns and Thunderstorms - 24 July 2008
Life Path 11 - 11 July 2008
Broken Toes and Burst Eardrums - 10 July 2008
A Bad Mood - 22 June 2008

Right now I feel

Diary protected
by the magic of
Harry Potter

I have, it seems, made an essential error in my reasoning and that error has lead to stress, which in tern has led to suffering.

Suffering is an interesting thing. Its purely a structure of the mind. We suffer because we THINK something is wrong, or more likely we think something will be wrong in the future. If I was focused on what I want to do NOW and not worried about a possible future event the suffering would be diminished or would completely evaporate.

So, I'm going to fret about getting published and finding an agent and not enjoy writing the final chapters of my book? What purpose would that serve? It only goes to feeding the ego. What is there to worry about? I won't get published? I wont get rich? I won't be world famous like JK Rowling? I have to step back and ask myself this question. Why am I writing this book? Am I writing this book to write a book? Am I trying to tap into the creative force of the universe? Or is it really that my ego wants the recognition for having done it?

If the latter is true than the writing of the book will not fulfill me as a person. I want to write, because I love to write. I want to tell a story. I want that story to inspire others, but if it doesn't that has to be ok too. I have to have acceptance of that or my ego will go into overdrive and I will get bogged down in suffering that it didn't go my way. I'm so sick of living that way. I've spent the past 34 years pissed off and depressed because life wasn't what I wanted it to be. How can life not be EXACTLY what I want it to be? I create it by having a series of NOW's. And now is wonderful.

So, whatever happens happens, and I'm ok with it.

That said, I didn't write today. My back went out Monday. I've been having some pain. It was really bad yesterday, but today is going to be better. Its already better. It doesn't hurt so much. I'm taking Advil, and resting as much as I can.

Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house, and then Thursday I'm going back to the dentist to get my broken front tooth worked on some more. I think I'm getting a temporary cap that will make the tooth look nice. I'll still need a permanent cap put on it in September, but that's fine. :)

28 May 2008 @ 2:02 am