navigate
» current
» archives
» vision board
» rings
» extras
» guestbook
» diaryland
recently
Oh, Happy Day! - 05 November 2008
Nightgowns and Thunderstorms - 24 July 2008
Life Path 11 - 11 July 2008
Broken Toes and Burst Eardrums - 10 July 2008
A Bad Mood - 22 June 2008
Right now I feel 
In my mind letting go was tantamount to giving up, but it has recently occurred to me that this is not the case. It's like if you have a catalog and you want to order something from it you have to place the order, but if all you do is fill out the order form and hope really hard that you get your item it will never come. You have to put a stamp on it and send it away. Then you have to allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Then, and only then, will your item arrive. I can only assume that this is true for the big ticket "universe" items as well as underwear from Victoria's Secret.
So, after one year (almost exactly) I'm putting my vision board away. It's time I stopped obsessing about it. I've placed the order and I know that these things are already mine. I'm thankful for them, and now I'm just waiting on delivery.
And so, my diary begins anew. I'm a much different person than I was a year ago. I'm more confident in my abilities, and I know what I want out of life. But more importantly, I know the person I want to be.
I'm in no way, shape, form, or fashion saying that I'm perfect. I still have fears, and doubts, and anxiety, and mental blocks that I will have to overcome if I am ever to achieve true self-actualization. But that is the road I'm now on. That is the goal for the future.
I wont deny that I still have a strong sense of longing and desire that permeates every fiber of my being and feeds that ego that I wish to diminish. Its an uphill battle of broken front teeth and wide screen TV's that is not likely to end anytime soon.
Speaking of broken teeth, my new dentist, Phil Kuhl, (Yes, that is in fact his name!) has begun the process of removing that particular block on the path to self-actualization. He preformed a root canal, and put a temporary filling in there. Next week he will cap it, and hopefully it will finally look normal again. Right now, it still has a brown spot on it, and the tooth colored filling doesn't quite look "right." That said, it does look better than it did when it was broken. *Deni grins that toddler grin that shows off all her teeth.*
The book that I have been writing for a few years now is nearing completion. I have two, maybe three, more chapters to go and it will be done! Well, not DONE! The basic story will be finished, but then comes the first of many subsequent revisions before I will even consider trying to get an agent and get it published. But I'm so close to the end now, and I'm getting a little freaked out by it. I haven't worked on it in a while, and I have the sinking feeling that something in me doesn't want to see it finished. Part of me is so terrified by whats to come that as long as I'm still "working on it" I don't have to face the possibility of, or the eventual letdown of, rejection. I know, that all writers have to deal with rejection, but I've never been good at it.
That said, a greater part of me wants to see it finished, and I will start working on it again soon. This week... Tuesday! Yes, Tuesday. I promise. And when its finished I'll report back here with a celebratory "WHOO HOOO!"
25 May 2008 @ 6:39 am